04. I thought it would be nice to clear up and re-organized his wardrobe at BRV while he is away. When he comes back, he will be greeted by an airier and cleaner wardrobe. I am going to re-organize his clothes, stash away his work shirts that he does not wear anymore and the climax is > I am going to stock up the wardrobe with NEW CLOTHES! So far, I have purchased 2 attires. Will look out for more.

Status: Not Yet Initiated. Accomplished.

Pau2 has been asking for his Ayah. The past weekend, and since then, he has been asking: Why Ayah come back so late? (his version of ‘Why is Ayah taking such a long time to be home?’)

Yes, honey, I too, ask the question every day.

Anyways, I’ve lined up a few surprises for Hubs upon his return.

01. Clean and clear his laptop backpack. To rid of all old receipts, flyers and other assorted old letters that Hubs likes so much to hoard. I even found his medications that dated back to February!

Status: Accomplished.

02. To keep the laptop power extension, mouse and other assorted peripherals in a nice blue bag. Previously, he was using a pathetic half-torn plastic bag! I once chided him about it. His reply? Alah orang tak Nampak, kan dalam beg (No one can see, hidden inside the bag). Sheesh! Men!

Status: Accomplished.

03. To design and build a site on our 3-day drive trip to Trengganu. Actually, I was already working on this – or to be exact, fiddling on this while he was still here. But I encountered a lot of technical problems that I almost gave up. Since he was away, I tried my best to overcome the technical issues and was determined to have a completed site ready by the time he returns home. Guess what? I DID IT!

Status: Accomplished (link will be revealed later).

04. I thought it would be nice to clear up and re-organized his wardrobe at BRV while he is away. When he comes back, he will be greeted by an airier and cleaner wardrobe. I am going to re-organize his clothes, stash away his work shirts that he does not wear anymore and the climax is > I am going to stock up the wardrobe with NEW CLOTHES! So far, I have purchased 2 attires. Will look out for more.

Status: Not Yet Initiated.

An MSN conversation earlier, between me and Madam Blossom.

.erni. says: oh.. i've been meaning to ask

 .erni. says: siapa 'ibu ros'?

.erni. says: dari dulu i baca.. tapi asik lupa nak tanya

dva:Haven™ says: 'ibu' yg tidak boleh ku hidup tanpa ..

 .erni. says: ya laaaaa siapa?

dva:Haven™ says:

he he .. > http://www.zeezone.net/brew/images_play/rozanah/rozanah.html

 .erni. says: oh wow.. she's a writer

 .erni. says: but who is she? related?

dva:Haven™ says: ??

dva:Haven™ says: kan ada nama ..

dva:Haven™ says: does it not ring a bell?

 .erni. says: what's ur father's name?

 .erni. says: i think i've never seen or noticed before

.erni. says: so far.. cuma zee

.erni. says: but tak pernah nampak.. bte apa

dva:Haven™ says: he he .. really, u dun know my real name?

 .erni. says: so.. she's ur sis?

dva:Haven™ says: yes .. one of my 5 sisters

 .erni. says: wow

dva:Haven™ says: the bestest person in the universe .. she and hubs ..

 .erni. says: u have any brother?

dva:Haven™ says: yes .. 5 of them..

 .erni. says: masyaAllah!

dva:Haven™ says: ah yes . i'm no.11

 .erni. says: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

dva:Haven™ says: and so is my husband .. no.11 in his family

 .erni. says: baby of the family la ni

 .erni. says: whoa..

dva:Haven™ says: sebab tu gembeng semacam bila kena tinggal

 .erni. says: no wonder... so manja

 .erni. says: that's nice.. to have a sister

Nice? Yes, of course it is.

But if you have a sister like mine,

it’s almost earthly paradise.

I was sitting with Imin at the dining table, going over some Maths with him. Pau2 was seated across me, looking miserable.

Ibu Ros came over and tousled his hair. She said: Aiyo.. you don’t have Ayah now. How?

Without skipping a beat, and without any pause that one usually takes before having to answer a question that may have required some thinking, Pau2 turned to her and said: I got Ibu.

My heart broke when I heard that. Children are so innocent and naïve, they often tell the truth.

I came to think of the time to come, sometime in late May, where both Hubs and myself would have to leave the boys (again) on our journey across the world. Perhaps Hub’s presence, or lack of, is not felt that much in the boys’ lives, since I am here with them. But come May, both of us will not be around for at least more than a week.

I silently said a prayer asking God to look over them in our absence.

I just had the funniest conversation with my son, whose school today has a sports exhibition of sorts. Earlier this morning, I told him to bring along Ibu Ros’ skipping rope to school, as part of the exhibition items.

Me: How was the exhibition?

Imin: It was fun.

Me: Did you give teacher the skipping rope?

Imin: Yes.

Me: What did you do with the skipping rope?

Imin: I? I skipped.

Pause.

Imin: I skipped, Ibu. Like the Skip in UNO*, like that.

*The card game UNO, which we played together almost every other night, before bedtime. And yes, Imin has beaten me many times in that game.

An MSN conversation, in the office.

 
*** says: but u are good...

*** says: the best AC.

*** says: and i do make it a pt to tell (my manager) tt btw.

dva:Haven™ says: tks .. im just doing my job

Feels a bit warm inside :P

This morning, the boys and I were ready well before the school van came. When Uncle Aziz pulled over and when Auntie alighted from the front seat, she saw me and smiled. She said: Dah pergi ayah dia?

Me: Dah.

Auntie: Berapa lama? Seminggu?

Me: 3.

She looked at me and smiled sympathetically.

Later, at the office, upon hearing my voice (greeting my colleagues), one particular colleague of mine – let’s call her Penguin (!!) – called out: Hey Zeezone! How was your weekend?

I retorted: Oh I don’t want to talk about it!

Penguin is aware of him being away.

Then another colleague – my co-worker and Manager actually – who sits just beside me, turned over and asked: How are you managing things?

I almost bawled over. But I am ever thankful that I surrounded by people who give a damn about me and what’s happening, especially Ibu Ros.

My colleagues and I spent a few minutes discussing my lone circumstance at my cubicle – most of my colleagues’ husbands are high-flyers (thank God, their wives remain rooted to the ground) and I was informed that things would get easier as time goes by.

Penguin said: Sometimes, it’s good that he goes away… you know, absence makes the heart go fonder…

I replied: No, I do not need that in my relationship with him. I do not need him to go away to miss him.

Later that morning, I received an email from one of the researchers who I’ve often deal with. He is a pretty prominent investigator, who conducts trials involving healthy volunteers. On 17 April 2008, he wrote: I spoke briefly with Ms X earlier this week whilst you were away from the office. I had called to inform you that I will be away on reservist training in Taiwan from tonight, and will only return on May 7.

Hmm.. sounds familiar. What a small world.

Kakak came up with a serious make-over job for

the boys, to fill up her very minimal waking hours.

Here’s some of her masterpieces:-

.: Pau2 the Snow Man              .: Imin the Super Man

A few hours later, it will be exactly 48 hours since I last saw him.

The first 24 dragged on oh so slowly. I tried to be in denial, but it was hard to do so when whatever I do, wherever I go, and especially when I look at my sons, I am reminded deeply of him. His images, sense of being, smell, tiny coughs and occasional sneezings – things that one usually takes for granted - when these are absent, the silence is deafening.

I am so lucky to have Ibu Ros. She ensures that I do not have to face all these on my own. And such a great bonus when she looks upon the boys as her own. Her presence is extremely crucial for the next 3 weeks.

We exchanged a couple of SMS – apparently, from where he is now, there is good reception. But he did warn me, once he's on the move, there's no guarantee that it will be like this. He would have to switch his mobile off too, as there would be no powerpoints at the place he is going to. We didn’t message much – though I really wanted to, at every hour of the day, but I am always mindful that he is the one who foots my phone bills, thus I have to be frugal.

The day before he left, he passed me a wad of dollars, for me to make the necessary monthly payouts. I even received my monthly allowance, though I told him, for this month, I did not really need it. That’s him – such a responsible man, almost to a fault.

I appeared strong during the day, but in the afternoon, at my religious class at Darul Aman, I was suddenly overwhelmed by an immerse feeling of missing him terribly. I thought of those times when during the religious classes, I knew he would be sitting at the men’s section and that on this afternoon, he was not there. As the Ustaz was going on with his lecture, tears started to trek down my cheeks. I just could not help it.

Later that night, I slept with Pau2. But not without his grey shirt – the very last shirt that he wore before he left. I refused to wash it and instead, held it close to my face and breathe him in.

The room was dark and still. I had to force myself to think of something else. I knew if I allow my mind to roam to him, I’ll never be able to sleep a wink. However, even being in the room is an agony, for I miss the silent, heavy breathing and the occasional movement on the mattress just below the bed where I sleep.

I read Blossom’s encounter with her morning, this morning. Good for her.

Exactly 3 weeks ago today, I was jumpy in the morning, and almost hysterical in the afternoon. It was the day before my drive trip across the states, and I was thrilled beyond words, so bad that I couldn’t work.

Fast forward, I can’t say my morning today is as great as Blossom’s, or as excitable as the one I had 3 weeks ago.

This morning has not been THAT bad – even considering the mini flood that always occur at Commonwealth Lane where I work, whenever it rains, which it did earlier this morning.

This morning, the boys were cool and ready to go, before the school van came. This morning, I did not glance at the papers, so I did not know if there has been an accident yesterday, a murder somewhere. This morning, Hubs and I walked to the bus stop, as usual, and as always, him holding my hand, and our steps moved harmoniously.

Yet, this morning, I cannot say I am looking forward to tomorrow.

But I will survive for whatever is to come after that.