Have you ever been in a position where you find it really, really difficult to find even the slimiest ray of joy or the tiniest ounce of support for whatever it is that the person whom you care very much for is doing or going to do?

You try to look happy, enthusiastic even, when the person relates to you or shares with you the progress of the ‘next-big-thing’. You try, you really do. You smile, but only God knows how much you would really like to scream.

But somehow, though you know very well you should be supportive in the endeavors the other party is taking up, you find it tremendously hard and extremely heavy.

Would it help if you are pre-empt(ed) of this circumstance? Would it help if the other party stops being one-sided, and starts talking and finding solutions to whatever issues that may arises due to this circumstance? Would it help if you are able to voice out your worries, your concerns?

Would it help if you are just able to talk about it?

Nowadays, since I lack in companionship on my way to work, I’d listen to Class 95.

Now, Carlsberg (the beer) has a CNY promotion. Listeners are invited to call through the Morning Xpress and have to ‘shout’ something like this: Carlsberg! Carlsberg! Something-something…

I could not recall the exact wordings, but if they do it well, they would receive an Ang Pow from Carlsberg. Oklah, fair enough.

Except that just this morning, a listener called through. It’s a female. And her name was MAHANI. By that name, I have to assume that MAHANI is a Muslim.

And so, then she went, very unashamedly, shouting; Carlsberg! Carlsberg! Something-something …

And yes, as did anyone who managed to call in, she won herself an Ang Pow, courtesy of Carlsberg. About $88 or so.

Like that also can? I mean, with money from that kinda source, would you feel good even receiving it?

I have witnessed the following:-

1. A woman applying make-up. Not any make-up, but FULL FLEDGED make up. Foundation. Powder. Blusher. Lipstick. Gloss. Eye shadow. Eye curler. Mascara. You know, the works. The ENTIRE work, for the face.
2. A woman brushing her long, long tresses. Up, down. Up, down. Style the fringe. Pisss. Pisss. The hair spray. At the fringe.
3. A woman applying lotion. First to the hands. Go around the fingers. Then, travel down to the elbows. Next, more lotion. Knees. Behind knees. Undo shoes. Toes this time. Both sets.
4. A couple groping, too engrossed in looking (or feeling) the finer details of the other and oblivious to the surrounding.
5. A man flossing. Winds floss around fingers, pulls taut. Go. Bottom teeth. In. Out. In Out. Done. Swipe tongue over teeth. Click tongue. Once again, procedure is repeated, but for the upper set of teeth now.
6. A teenager typing furiously at his laptop, which is so huge that he has problems balancing it. But with can-do spirit, he attacks the keys. Typing and typing. Making lots of tap tap tap noise. A glance. He’s updating his blog. Or something like that.
7. A couple of school children running from one spot to another. Shouting. Run. Run. And then, one of them rushes to a seat. Sits down. Put index finger in nostril. Twirl. Takes out finger. Flick. Eww. Gets up and runs again.

I have witnessed all these. And more.

Nothing strange, you think? Well, these incidents occur in broad daylight, in full view of others at .. where else.. the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT).

I’m doing nicely, thank you.

Yesterday, at abt 11.50am, I received this sms from Ibu Ros:-
‘Yeyo. Kau ok niari?’

I was touched. I replied:-
‘Sob tapi ok. I still haf sister J

Yes, that’s true. I am so very lucky. And really, thanks to God, I am managing fine. Boys are cooperating well. Why, even the school bus driver gave me a short lift to the bus stop this morning. Theboys were stunned to see me climbing up and getting into the van with them.

I have to admit, one thing that is seriously lacking in me is the independent streak. I am oh so lacking in it. Hubs has always been there, and Ibu Ros never fails. And now when one is not around, I have to take up the vacanted role/s.

I used to fear, to dwell in anxiety, to sweat – but now I realize, I am ABLE after all. ABLE to handle things on my own. Maybe, this is God’s unique way of showering me His love – to strengthen me for the period when Hubs has to leave (God, are you listening?).

I am oh-so-lucky.

Being in healthcare industry, we are often e-showered with daily health tips and mental wellness. So, I received this today:-

MIND

1. Appreciate yourself. Accept your strengths and weaknesses.
2. Learn to relax and slow down. Try this: Close your eyes, then inhale and exhale gradually. Feel much better?
3. Share your problems. It won’t cause you any harm, yet it could help to solve your problems.

Ok now. Here it goes > WHO WANTS MY PROBLEMS?

I’m willing, much willing to share. Come.

I will not charge a single cent. Come now.

Do you know John Rambo?

Well, I’ve been following him AND his adventures, from Vietnam to the States, then from the State to Vietnam again, and then from Vietnam to Thailand. I can practically verbalize to you word by word the script from all three Rambo movies. Yes Sir, I’m a Rambo fan. Ha ha.

(24 Jan 2008 – Rambo 4 is coming to town.)

There’s a scene in Rambo 2, when someone asked Rambo: What means expendable? Rambo then went on to clarify: It means if someone invites you to a party and if you don’t show up, it doesn’t really matter.

Somehow, that scene has been stuck in my mind for the past few days now.

I have not been blogging for a while now. Presently, many things are happening at once that at times, I do not know which or what to tackle first.

First, my body. Or my health to be exact. I’ve been under the weather since last week and have been taking painkillers for breakfast, lunch and at times, supper – just to get my beauty sleep. Ha ha, what a misnomer. Beauty? Hardly, at the rate I am now. Just last Saturday, I woke up with a very big nose (literally). So painful, I do not know why. It is still throbbing now, though the size has decreased fortunately. I've looked, but I see no pimple on my nose. Why is my nose throbbing?

Next, I’m having a lot of difficulties in catching up with what’s happening to me – my career and my life. Just the other day, I was confiding in the Lizard-catcher. I remembered last Monday, yes that was, that we talked and talked. She managed to make me see what was wrong at that time and for that I am grateful. I felt better after talking to her. By the way, you Lizard-hater, Happy Birthday (22^nd January 2008)!

I realize that around me, though there are many, not all can be taken at face value. I realize that some are really like ‘flavours of the month’ kind and others think nothing about treating you like a second-class citizen. Some would come to you as and when you are needed and when you are not, your presence is not even noticed. And many more walk around with a I-am-holier-than-thou attitude. I see how supposedly educated people treat others and often wonder why they do that. Sheesh. God really creates many funny people to pollute this earth.

Sometimes, I wonder, if I am the only one around to be able to see all these beneath the many masks that float around me. Another friend remarks that perhaps that I am too sensitive that I often see beyond, faaaaaaar beyond the horizon. And this ability, if you can call it an ability, is what will make me feel the way I am feeling right now.

I say: I do not know. Perhaps, I am not really 100% now, that thus, I tend to be more sensitive to things that happen around me. Maybe, on a better day, I will just disregard all these as part and parcel of life. And relationships.

Now, Lizard-catcher-cum-hater did mention one thing though – that I do not have a need outside my immediate circle of ties, and thus I cannot possibly expect others to treat me the way I treat them. But I say: honestly, I treat the people around me the way I would want them to treat me, and to go lower, well, I just can’t. I’m not like that.

I’m a good person. Really, I am.

So the question is: Am I expendable?

It’s the 1^st of Muharram today.

Hubs took his IPPT earlier. He passed, praise to God. He did not really prepared much this time as he did previous years. But yeah, I guess, at his age, he’s doing better than good. Ah, that’s my man.

I was feeling a bit melancholy today. I’d check my mailboxes at 5 mins interval during the time I was at my office workstation earlier. Each time I checked, I’d get a wee bit sad.

The other day, I traded my good old clamp Samsung for a Nokia something. Can you imagine, me using a Nokia? White, no less. I was looking for a Samsung actually but could not find one that is suitable and comes with FM function. Nokia it is now.

Couple of days back, I was driving the Zaza Wish. Hubs, as usual when he is not behind the wheels, took pictures. Enjoy.

I guess I’m blabbing here. Actually, there are many things I want / need to get off my chest. Guess I’m just not up to it.

Good night.

I am sitting on the chair, using the PC. My back is to Imin, who is on the floor completing the old assignments from his former education centre.

Once in a while, he will update me on what he is doing:

1. Ibu, I’m colouring the letter.
2. Ibu, now I need a ruler.

I will grunt in response.

The following then takes place:-

Imin: Ibu, I’m absent for ‘JAM’ (pronounced as you would a strawberry ‘jam’).

Without turning around, I correct him: No, Imin, it’s Jan. Short for January.

Imin: But I’m speaking Malay, Ibu. It’s JAM. See?

I turn and look down.

I see that he is coloring a clock with the word JAM besides it.

*JAM is watch for Malay, pronounced as J-A-M.

12.15pm

A teleconservation between Imin and me.

Me @ work, Imin @ Mak's house.

Imin: Ibu! Adik ‘pee pee’ in school!

Me: Oh dear! Should we tell Ayah?

Imin: Yes!

Me: But then, Ayah will pinch Adik!

Imin: Yes! I like!

Sigh. Sibling rivalry.

We discovered IMM’s newly revamped Waterworks and the

dry playground, just next to it. An excellent place to bring kids to.

.: My Son the Geek

I am using Hub’s laptop on the dining table when I happen to glance to my left.

There is a note. The household is almost asleep.

At the top, it said:

Z, imin wrote this himself! I can’t believe it!

Note: Ibu Ros calls me ‘Zack’.

 Below, as you can see, Imin’s 4-year old handwriting, as follows (I think):-

1)    Y ‘love’ my Book (Yes or no Yes! )

2)    Do you Like Me? (Correct or Not correct) Correct

3)     

I smile. Broadly. My son – he’s really growing up and getting smarter each day, praise to God!